In an emotional and wonderfully thoughtful speech yesterday, actress Ellen Page came out as gay during a speech for the Time to Thrive conference:
I thought it was interesting how the first personal thing she mentioned was about her choice of clothing, and how the media defined her choice of “comfortable” clothing as “masculine.” She had some interesting things to say about what it is like to work in an industry that has such narrow ideas about how one should look and act and dress like, and how much of that is gender-based.
The gay rights movement and the rise of awareness in the trans community (illustrated here with facebook’s recent decision to change its gender options from 2 to 50) have certainly brought attention to gender identity in the media. But I think we too often link questioning definitions of gender with questioning sexuality, and while the issues may be linked, I think people often think they are mutually inclusive issues….but are they?
Men who deviate from any conventional description of “masculinity” – whether they don’t play sports, or they are sensitive and romantic, or they dress in a more flamboyant style – often have their sexuality questioned right along with their manliness. But all of those things: rough physical activity, poetic sensibilities, and extravagant dressing – all of those things were perfectly keeping in the height of masculine style in the 18th century. Which means they can’t be inherently a part of the definition of masculinity, which means that very idea is a contemporary construct made up of inherited and ever-evolving ideas.
If being a man, if being masculine does not have to mean that you are straight, physically aggressive, and conform to modern ideas of appropriate dress codes….than what DOES it mean? I think many people are afraid to ask this question. But I think asking these questions is vital to our self-identity, and so many questions about both sexuality and gender are hidden behind and wrapped up in our relationship with visual identity, in other words, our clothes.
Thank you, Chloe, for taking your project into the depth of the issues that dress both covers up and reveals. The issue of male identity has been with me for 65 years and while I did not struggle with the enormous challenge (in our culture) of being gay, in my youth I felt quite feminine in my sensitivity and inward nature while feeling very alienated from the masculine world….. very painfully so.
I relate to what Ellen Page says in the video above. I, too, dress for comfort and to avoid calling attention to myself. Uniforms of power do not call to me in the least.
The larger issue of male identity has been a huge theme in my life which I didn’t really come to grips with until my 40’s when I became the father of a son. Then my past leanings into a spiritual identity did not seem to be enough with the responsibility of leading a young male into a healthy “male” identity. My guidance had mostly to do with authenticity of Being and presenting a model of cultural non-conformity (being a product of the 60’s). My son was able to witness a sensitive, tear prone male who read poetry and made a living in construction while escaping to run rivers at every opportunity.
Finding my way into self acceptance and eventually self love was a life long process which is still going on in more subtle ways. Being a man is different things to different people and finding one’s true male identity is a life long project since that is an ever moving target
Courageous authenticity, a willingness to speak one’s truth, walking the talk, and standing in the fire of life’s challenges with loved ones are some things that come immediately to mind.
The poet Hafiz says:
Once a young woman asked me,
How does it feel to be a man?
“My dear
I am not sure.”
Then, she said,
“Well aren’t you a man?”
And this time I replied,
“I view gender
As a beautiful animal
That people often take for a walk on a leash
And might enter in some odd contest
To try to win strange prizes.
My dear,
A better question for Hafiz
Would have been.
“How does it feel to be a heart?”
For all I know is Love,
And I find my heart Infinite
And Everywhere!”